[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
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Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
necessity is the mother of invention
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit