Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
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[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Are you ok, human???
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now