Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
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[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.