Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
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I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I like long walks away from everyone
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.