When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
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My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
thinking about a very short hotdog
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other