[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
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officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
a lot to unpack here
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Mission: Impossible
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.