Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
You Might Also Like
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
This headline is a thing of beauty
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door