Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
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[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.