video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
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Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
From Facebook just now…
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW