I love art.
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Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Battery falling down a hole
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches