*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
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when u come home smelling like another dog
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.