What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
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[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
My love language is deader than Latin
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t