son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
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Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”