I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
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My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer