Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
You Might Also Like
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
*exercises sarcastically*
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?