I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
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Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.