The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
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The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.