You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
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“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
This is my cat’s medicine.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.