If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
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inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
*gets down on one knee*
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.