Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
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70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
No. He’s not coming out to play
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch