[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
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3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
titanic
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano