How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
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I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Not today
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….