I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
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I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
What kind of a cult is this?
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds