Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
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*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.