He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
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Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Am getting real tired of your crap…
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”