February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
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Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years