DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
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I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
cry laughing at this shit
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.