Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
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Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.