[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
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Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
6. me as a lawyer
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
This meal prepping shit is easy
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once