I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
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ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start