What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
You Might Also Like
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Pot warmers of the day.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Lmao
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.