I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
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“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me