[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
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How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.