Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
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INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Choose your fighter
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”