Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?