no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
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The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
good work, detective
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.