Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
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[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano