I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
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If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
not for long
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Doggies just call it style.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.