You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
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remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
See..?
.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]