Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
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The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I love art.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏