I am never leaving this website
You Might Also Like
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
The Compass
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”