person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
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mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
asked my bf how work was today
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL