*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
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Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this