My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
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[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.