Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
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If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone