bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
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Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I am patiently waiting for your email
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible