One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
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A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.