I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
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Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣