“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
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I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
no regrets
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
decorating my apartment
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.