ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
reminder
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
My time has come.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
this has done me in for some reason
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want